T.E.A. with Dr. Timogi: I'm Not Angry. I'm Frustrated.

Today's T.E.A. is poured from the pages of I'm Not Angry! 21 Emotional Words to Use While Adulting by Dr. Timogi.

May I share something I wish someone had shared with me a long time ago? Everything that looks like anger is not anger.  

Here's what happened...

Picture me on the living room floor, surrounded by screws, wooden panels, and an instruction booklet I have read three times. I followed steps one through ten perfectly, and the bookshelf still came out lopsided. My jaw is tight. My voice is rising. And somebody in the next room hollers, what are you so angry about?

But my response was not anger talking. It was frustration.

Frustration has less to do with anger and more to do with control. It is frustrating to put time, energy, and effort into something and still not achieve the results you desire. The paper you worked on all weekend still earned a D. The problem you have called about four times is still not resolved. Many people confuse frustration and anger because the outward responses can look similar. But frustration comes from being unable to control an outcome, even when the proper effort is being made. Have you ever been there?

 When you are frustrated, make a choice. 

Breathe. Recognize what you are feeling: frustration, not anger. Walk away for a moment and return when you have leveled yourself back to your normal state. Then, begin again. Sometimes you may have to start from scratch. Other times, you can backtrack to the point right before the frustration showed up. Either way, use your time and energy to keep frustration from building up into anger.

Build your bookshelf and learn the lesson standing right beside it.

The next time your hands are full and your results are empty, do not let anybody hand you the wrong label. Frustration is not a flaw; it is a signal. It is proof that you care about the outcome, proof that you showed up and gave effort. So honor the signal. Pause, regroup, and give yourself permission to try again without the shame.  

Know and name your feelings to process them correctly. 

Dr. Timogi is an author, speaker, professor, and preacher who believes everybody deserves a breakthrough. More T.E.A. is always brewing at www.drtimogi.com.